Saturday, 23 October 2010

This is hard to say, but I don’t think I realized how much people affected me until today. On my actions and my mind set. I am holding on by a thread and not one single person has picked that up. Not one. I guess I am good at acting. Because I have not been happy, since as long as I can remember. Things have always caused pain. Sadness. I am barely hanging on. Barely. But I can’t snap. I have to stay. I am begging someone to help me stay. I’ve told two people nearly everything. I don’t think either one of them cried that day last fall. I’m sure they cared. But not one of them knew why I was telling them. I wanted guidance. Not apologies for something you had nothing to do with. Everything in my life was messed up. Everything. You knew- and you still do. I want to tell one more person everything. Not nearly everything, but everything. But I am still too hesitant. I read a book. It has a lot to do with how I am feeling. It has a lot to do with the fact that no one has helped the way they should have. No, not by telling. But by being there more than you were once before. I don’t even know what happiness is anymore. But I know that when I am with the three people I have mentioned in this blog, I am more often than not feeling the spark of joy. The thought of having those people, satisfies me. I love them, more than they know. But I can’t be let down once more and there is more than one way to let me down in this situation. Thoughts have to be played out perfectly. You couldn’t say a word to anyone. Not one. But it’s not possible. I can’t do it anyway.

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